.reasons · why · you · should · eat · your · eyes.

At twenty I admit tinie-hugie defeat and move into my little brother's old room. Having hastily proclaimed a non-nned for a mattress, I now masturbate on a futon. I wake-up willingly at first sunlight to begin the inevitable end of a day spent entirely in my head(Tulsa, Oklahoma).(Tulsa, Oklahoma)(Tulsa,Oklahoma). Are you fucking kidding me? The only thing that speaks for the person I am now is my need to achieve thirty orgasms in-a-row. By myself. Until I pass-out. Deeply unsatisfied mind and body. Can you even call it a climax when you've reached the waning ebb and blood-flow of chronic female masturbation? Probably, it's not like anybody really cares.

So what's REALLY stopping me from stealing a car from the repo lot(cotton field) on a Friday night and being in Mexico(eew) by Monday w/o anyone knowing for sure, for sure by Wednesday?

Trix doesn't even come in fruit shapes anymore, did it ever? A metaphor.

Does being attracted to my own breasts make me a lesbian? An ongoing questionaire.

From Sierra Kramer,

2006, I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you. I was a’tossin’ and a’turnin’ last night and thought maybe if I watched ‘Brokeback Mountain’ I could fall back asleep and just subconsciously mull over you. In between tiny nightmares about provocative exterminators on horseback, I realized a lil dose of truth…2006, I wish I could quit you.

The way we parted was just a mess but I don't think either of us expected a clean break. I don't know what I did or did not do in the parking lot the other night, but I hope you understand. I just know that there were beer-beards and wine-lips and nothing I could do about either of those things. The soft lighting made me feel like I could have died that night and not cared. I think I may have punched someone. Or given them a handjob, but that's the same thing. I'm sorry to tell you that I met 2007 kissing porcelain and I feel sad for it. I already resent 2007 for taking care of me even though I don't deserve it. Cut me a line of xanax because lord knows I'm jumping out a window this year.

No jail this year, no hotdogs, please?
Maybe I can acquire a skill, possibly archery?

I live in four-year chunks. For me it went 12,16,20. So hopefully I won't experience another crisis until 2010.

i wish i was a hollywood "it" girl and could spend twelve hundred dollars on a diamond-studded dog collar.
i wish i had gotten more sleep in norman so i wouldn't have passed out in the presence of andrea manke. notorious for molesting me in my sleep.

i wish every sunday was spent drinking whiskey with nicole and tyler and spooning.

i have decided the following things.

1)sean kramer hits me in the arm too hard. and it's not funny.
2)chutney has to rot in tulsa. just like the rest of us.
3)i'm a walking spectacle when i'm sauced.
3)spectacle is one of those weird words that you have to double-check for spelling on dictionary.com.
4)i wish i was a dominatrix for extra cash.
5)i wish i didn't have one fucking headlight.

livejournal. i take pity on you. that is why i update. you serve no purpose.

so many online journals. so little girl.

but anywhozit. it is almost time for phase two of my life to begin and the prospects are very exciting.

i'm seeing old mansion with a bunch of moody girls. and guy. who can be just as moody.

its magic. and i want this year to be over.

gack.
i don't know what to do with my life. but.
i do dream about a place with jacob where we could do it hetero very secretly on the weekends.

but i am looking forward to deerhoof. and not knowing how many cars to take.

and. my last massage yesterday asked if i wanted to stay at his house in utah and he would buy me a massage table. and he was a big guy. not hairy. but very big.

first it started out with the glory of polly pocket. a dream of a huge cake in the shape of polly pocket's cinderlla room. and then a memory of aladdin and jasmine polly pockets making love.

and then wallace from wallace and gromit's nuts. clay nuts.
we were spitting out comedy gold.
like king midas or aladdin.
even though that was lava. but not lava. it was gold but it was in the same category.
that horrifying tiger head.
you know what else would be horrifying?
being half stuck in the gilligan's island mini gold course boat. from beneath you would be zombie children nibbling your legs. from above. baboons throwing fragile spider monkey skulls at you.
with blood all up in their teeth.

WEIRD.

last night andrea and i recalled fat memories. and i had almost blocked out what it was like weigh thirty more pounds than i do now.

how i used to steal candy and money for candy.
buffets were heaven on earth.
eating groceries at the store so my mom would have to buy them.
talking in the mirror and dreaming of a makeover.

we had a grand ole time. but now i'm sleepy and i have to find a way to norman next weekend. and two days until i find out about jizail. OUI OUI.

but seriously. what about john lovitz.

andrea and i are looking at girl porn(aka nylon magazine). and have spent tonight getting adequately sexed-up. fucking pharrell and his porn stash and boobs and the best party ever. look at "lapdance:dirty version". it's fucking dirty and hot-t.

and fucking l-work. not enough lezboat action.
fucking le tigre. i want to do all of you.

AAH.

it's early like it is every morning i wake up to sappy love songs. i want someone to write me a love song so desperately i can taste it. damn you autumn weather(!!!)...you turn me into a rosecheekedhandholdingromanceyscarfwearingschmoozefiend.
everything is just so terribly romantic right now.

the postal service video for 'the district sleeps alone tonight' is pretty pleasant. pretty eighties.

while watching porn with andrea and noah the other night and i decided that i want to do the sex noise voice-overs for a living.

so. if you haven't seen it. you should watch the mates of state video on their site(matesofstate.com...duh) "goods(it's all in your head)". the first video on the site. with the cute boy dancing. you will not regret it. in fact, it will probably improve your life. make you a happier person. cure cancer. and whosnot.

i'm looking forward to saturday for obvious reasons.
running errands by myself is odd. i don't say anything to anyone for twelve hours. and then my brain hurts. because chatterboxes need to release.

clay and josh are silly. and i like hanging out with their silly asses. it's better than riding on a unicorn with taylor hanson naked. WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT. i saw isaac hanson at shades of brown last night. which means i have been within two feet of two of the three hanson brothers. and frankly i could give a hoot about seeing zack.

ah crud. i miss andrea. and nicoleses.

happy belated birthday to me. and amelia.

i ending up spending my entire birthday in the car on the way to colorado. but it was way worth it. we literally saw two fat people in boulder. TWO. we counted. as a formal fat girl, i have a certain affection for the obese but it was just odd after being in tulsa for so long to see these beautiful people riding bikes EVERYWHERE. with their scarves and vegan energy bars. le sigh.

i feel so happy. there is not an anxious bone in my body and i like 'eet. maybe it's a mixture of meds and alone time. maybe it's just this wave of honesty that has cleared all the bullshit. but it's good.

i want a fiesta to celebrate fall...maybe that will seduce the season to tulsa more quickly.

Mates of Motherfucking State, suckers.

I'm so happy I could burst.
I want to watch the submarine races with Rick.
I want to look as sexpot-ish as I do in the fourth little square of Kels' and my three dollar photo booth pictures.
I want to dance as hard as I did last night every night.

i'm about to clean out my closet and return things i've had of everyone's.

if you think you have anything of mine, i don't necessarily need anything back...i just want to know where everything is.

p.s. don't get this illness flying around.

i'm still a teenager but i was forced to grow up considerably the past couple of days.

this is it. my last one.

who knows what's going to happen to me.
karma works itself out in the oddest ways.

it's true. in the end, all you have is your family. thank god i have sean or that would be the most depressing fact in the world.

it's been fun.

if you know me personally. i'm sure i've been able to reflect back on some good times with you in these journal entries. maybe some bad times too. but every one of you has shaped the way i am in some form, and thank you.